Eating People Is Wrong

Tonight my rowdy, randy and ravenous little Englanders, I want to instil a little moral discipline. Especially in you my fellow Hoi Polloi. Heaven knows, we, the (Ugh!) masses, need some form of control.

Basically I want to educate you how to behave with decency when confronted with a dead body. But more on that in a minute.

I am taking my lead here from the extremely well fed at the BBC. They are always giving you those numbers to ring.

You know, those 0845 numbers they give out after after any potentially distressing fictional occurrence. Anything from a murder to a spilt cup of coffee on a new carpet.

Then there are similar numbers so you can 'fess up to those wicked perverted thoughts you have had about Kate Moss.

Or you can tell all about the evil deeds you have inflicted on the neighbour's cat when all Tibbles did was crap in your vegetable patch.

What prompted me to write this moral tirade was this This Expose of the decadence of Mesolithic man (that is "Stone Age" to you  Dorset Dinlows)

Evidently Mesolithic man was none too phased about using his neighbour's skull as a drinking vessel.

I know the feeling - You are down the pub, you have a jug of old Rosie (the Cider of Champions) and no glass. What do you do?

The pre-historic neighbour's brain box conveniently provided a drinking vessel to be used in some dark ritual. The the rest of the neighbour also provided a nice nutritious snack to soak up the booze afterwards.

You can imagine the scene: A Stone Age boozer. A bar with a row of skulls filled with (of course) Old Rosie (the Cider of Champions).

Darren and Pete are at the bar. They are in deep conversation about the way the wife is always droning on about she hasn't seen the neighbour for a while.

In comes Wayne. Darren looks up.

"Hey Pete. Its Wayne! Give the man a hand."

Pete bursts into applause. Darren looks cross.

"No.No No! Give the man - A hand"

Pete blushes.
"Ha-ha-ha Of course! Sorry!"

Pete reaches across the peanuts and picks up the required item, recently retrieved from the missing neighbour. Wayne is grateful.

"Oh Yes! I am so starving!"

Darren nonchalantly passes Wayne a spare skull of "Old Rosie" (the Cider of Champions).......

Well, my grubby little Englanders, I have to inform you that things have changed.

It is no longer considered reasonable to drink Old Rosie (the Cider of Champions) out of your neighbours skull.

Even if you are desperate.

Eating your neighbours hand, or any other part of their body is also considered totally verboten.

If you have been indulging in any of these pre-historic practices, I cannot offer you a 0845 number to seek counselling on, but I can assure you that ringing any of those other numbers offered by the BBC will suffice. Although after the councilling session, I expect the operator may well have truly earned their wages for that day.

But basically my dirty downbeat little Englanders, I need you to understand one thing.

Eating People is Wrong. 

No Ifs. No Buts.

Don't do it.

Just say No.


Dioclese said...

Personally I find that a hand goes down quite well with a glass of Metaxa

JAA said...

But if your neighbour's already passed on, waste not want not I say. It's recyling you know.