Germany Wins?

My dear depressed, disconsolate and despairing English compatriots.
It was not to be.
It might have been legitimately 4-2 but it was never going to be a victory.
We played crap.
Never mind. It was only a game.

Although one more important than life and death.

But look on the bright side.

At least we do not have to pay for the Greek spending extravaganza.

Or the Spanish.
Or the Portuguese.
Or the Irish
or the Italians.

I dare say that there are many in Germany tonight who would happily trade in their football victory for an indemnity against their Euro liability.

But tempting though such a deal would be, I suspect us grieving English losers would rather count the pound coins in our pockets, smile sweetly and walk away.

Love & kisses


Ten things you did not know about Germans

My dear degraded demonised and dirty little Englander mates. As you undoubtedly know, tomorrow we play the Krauts. That is the Germans to any politically correct plonkers who are just wafting by this blog in a state of shock and horror.

In order to whip you all up into a state of hysteria (well, at least for the duration of the match) I thought I would detail to you ten reasons the German nation en-masse should be regarded with distain and derision.

However before I do this I should inform you that this list was actually formulated and agreed during a brief encounter with a rich blonde German women in the back of a 1972 Mercedes pillar-less coupé in the summer of 1975.

I named the pillar-less coupé Helga. But only because she so closely resembled her owner.

Helga was elegant, sophisticated, drank like a fish and was very, very fast. I hope you appreciate why the name was shared.

Dare I say this, but, my dear mucky English mates, that night, in the back of that car, I had experiences that I am still trying to come to terms with 35 years later.

A bit like post traumatic stress disorder but in reverse. Anyway as part of our fun and games we built a list of the ten most derisory characteristics of the English and the Germans.

Out of shame I will not mention the English characteristics.

But hey! Its the world cup so the Germans are fair game. I have modified the derogation on Germany to be a little to be more contemporary. In fact I had to do this because I simply couldn't remember all the original ones.

Here we go.

10 things to You Need To Know about Germans:

1.Luther was a German. Consequently all Germans are ex-communicated. Which means that all German marriages are null and void. This means that for the last 500 years all Germans have been born out of wed-lock. Consequently all Germans are Bastards.

2.Before they bought Rover group BMW could not build a good 4x4. After they acquired the intellectual property of Land Rover, all of a sudden, they could build X5's. Consequently all Germans are Plagiarists.

3.Greece is virtually bankrupt. Things are so bad there have even been calls for Greek doctors to stop fiddling their taxes. The Germans have been calling for the Greeks to get their house in order before giving them yet more money. The simply show that all Germans are Control Freaks.

4.The PIIGS (Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece and Spain) are all upset that they are going bust.
This is solely down to the bloody Germans who are only grudgingly paying for other peoples profligacy. But the Germans are doing OK. This must surely prove that all Germans are thieves.

5.On a more personal note, have you ever noticed that it is only the bloody Germans who lay claim to the deck chairs with their towels? All Germans are secret colonialists and empire builders.

6.All Germans are decadent perverts. Not only that, their beer is a tasteless fizzy chemical concoction the colour of urine.

7.Why do German women not shave under their arms? It is disgusting. A veritable crime against common decency. All Germans are all fashion criminals.

8.Helga (the car) was a masterpiece. But it should also be remembered that the Germans gave us the Trabant. Germans are inconsistent.

9.If Germany wins tomorrow it will because of one simple fact; All Germans are cheats.

10. Finally. It must be said. Germans, generally speaking, even with their hairy armpits, tasteless beer and sexual perversions are hard working and productive. It can only be assumed then that they must be Satan's Slaves.

Have a good game. Remember it is fun. A laugh. A jolly Wheeze. But if they win... see item 9. If we win, well, it just proves all of the above!

Whatever the outcome, after the game, we should be kind to our German colleagues. They are, after all, keeping the rest of the Euro-Zone in the nationally unaffordable state of luxury they have become accustomed to.

Love & kisses


Cider with Rosie George

Greetings my poisoned spotty and red-nosed fellow little Englanders:

Billothewisp has some tremendously good news for you.

Yea! Great tidings of joy and I bring.

There will be celebrations in the streets and not least festivities down the pub.

Prepare for ecstasy

And this is why:

You may well remember that we have recently had a change of those-who-should-be-obeyed. A realignment of the Great Good and Extremely Well Fed.

A changing of seats, portfolios and expense claim forms.

But this is not the reason for the celebration.

You may well remember what a complete bunch of conniving bastards the previous group of Great Good and Extremely Well Fed were.

You may recall how good it felt when the Conniving-Bastard-In-Chief was finally evicted from No 10 much to his displeasure and much to our joy.

But again, this is not the reason for celebration.

Now of course we have a new Conniving-Bastard-In-Chief.

In fact arguably we have two new Bastards-In-Chief. No celebration there.

We have had grindingly painful budget.

Again no cheer there.

Or is there?

OK my sour faced grubby little English chums here it comes.

Make sure you are either sat down or stood well clear of breakable objects.

Try not to windmill your arms with glee or you might knock the wife's teeth out.

George Osborne announced.........

The removal of the extra 10% tax on Cider!!!!


At least my weekly consumption of fermented apple juice is not going to be crucified for some politically correct anus in the Labour Party.

You know, I have to say, what a bunch of bastards.To up the tax on cider.

They would have been taxing penicillin next.

Personally I rely on cider to give me my five a day.

Mind you, I usually stop at 3 these days otherwise I tend to pass out.

But really what a bunch of politically correct champagne quaffing snivelling elitist buffoons would put an extra tax on cider?

George Osborne may well be a claret swilling chinless wonder but at least he has let the working man avoid punitive taxation on one of his few pleasures.

Forget how they wrecked the economy, buggered up our defence, gave away all our money in foreign aid, ponced and posed on the world stage at our expense.

When I next come to vote I will remember that the utter scum that became the Labour party and how they threatened to punitively tax my cider.


The Budget: Vicious but Fair

Osbourne should be applauded for his emergency budget. If nothing had been done we would have gone down the Greek road to ruin.

But Why Oh Why is foreign aid ring fenced? Eight billion a year goes out the door on foreign aid. Much of this goes into the pockets of ruling elites that don't give a damn about their poor.

If pensioners and others in this country are expected to go without, I am sure the foreign aid budget could at least be trimmed.

Most other countries in Europe put their own people first. Why don't we?

Cameron warns of financial calamity

Although Billothewisp predicted the current dire financial straights the country finds itself in, he hates to to say "In told you so". Especially over such a financial calamity. (See Billothewisp's Crystal Ball July)

But it looks like we really are in the doo-dah up to our necks thanks to Gordon "The Abyss" Brown and his cohort Darling buds of May. But even now Darling makes fatuous statements about how everything was just wine and roses. See Times Here (see Times here)

In truth, Billowthewisp would have gladly, gleefully, gratefully got this wrong as he did with many other of his predictions.

But he didn't.

Our sad ruined little England may well recover.

But, this is going to be a painful 5 years. Maybe more.

It is up to our new "Dear Leader" David Cameron and collegues to pick up the pieces.

At least in Gordon Brown he has a good example:

On NOT how to run the economy.