Ten things you did not know about Germans

My dear degraded demonised and dirty little Englander mates. As you undoubtedly know, tomorrow we play the Krauts. That is the Germans to any politically correct plonkers who are just wafting by this blog in a state of shock and horror.

In order to whip you all up into a state of hysteria (well, at least for the duration of the match) I thought I would detail to you ten reasons the German nation en-masse should be regarded with distain and derision.

However before I do this I should inform you that this list was actually formulated and agreed during a brief encounter with a rich blonde German women in the back of a 1972 Mercedes pillar-less coupé in the summer of 1975.

I named the pillar-less coupé Helga. But only because she so closely resembled her owner.

Helga was elegant, sophisticated, drank like a fish and was very, very fast. I hope you appreciate why the name was shared.

Dare I say this, but, my dear mucky English mates, that night, in the back of that car, I had experiences that I am still trying to come to terms with 35 years later.

A bit like post traumatic stress disorder but in reverse. Anyway as part of our fun and games we built a list of the ten most derisory characteristics of the English and the Germans.

Out of shame I will not mention the English characteristics.

But hey! Its the world cup so the Germans are fair game. I have modified the derogation on Germany to be a little to be more contemporary. In fact I had to do this because I simply couldn't remember all the original ones.

Here we go.

10 things to You Need To Know about Germans:

1.Luther was a German. Consequently all Germans are ex-communicated. Which means that all German marriages are null and void. This means that for the last 500 years all Germans have been born out of wed-lock. Consequently all Germans are Bastards.

2.Before they bought Rover group BMW could not build a good 4x4. After they acquired the intellectual property of Land Rover, all of a sudden, they could build X5's. Consequently all Germans are Plagiarists.

3.Greece is virtually bankrupt. Things are so bad there have even been calls for Greek doctors to stop fiddling their taxes. The Germans have been calling for the Greeks to get their house in order before giving them yet more money. The simply show that all Germans are Control Freaks.

4.The PIIGS (Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece and Spain) are all upset that they are going bust.
This is solely down to the bloody Germans who are only grudgingly paying for other peoples profligacy. But the Germans are doing OK. This must surely prove that all Germans are thieves.

5.On a more personal note, have you ever noticed that it is only the bloody Germans who lay claim to the deck chairs with their towels? All Germans are secret colonialists and empire builders.

6.All Germans are decadent perverts. Not only that, their beer is a tasteless fizzy chemical concoction the colour of urine.

7.Why do German women not shave under their arms? It is disgusting. A veritable crime against common decency. All Germans are all fashion criminals.

8.Helga (the car) was a masterpiece. But it should also be remembered that the Germans gave us the Trabant. Germans are inconsistent.

9.If Germany wins tomorrow it will because of one simple fact; All Germans are cheats.

10. Finally. It must be said. Germans, generally speaking, even with their hairy armpits, tasteless beer and sexual perversions are hard working and productive. It can only be assumed then that they must be Satan's Slaves.

Have a good game. Remember it is fun. A laugh. A jolly Wheeze. But if they win... see item 9. If we win, well, it just proves all of the above!

Whatever the outcome, after the game, we should be kind to our German colleagues. They are, after all, keeping the rest of the Euro-Zone in the nationally unaffordable state of luxury they have become accustomed to.

Love & kisses


1 comment:

Dioclese said...

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Gets my vote...
...and I suppose Hitler would qualify!