All Dandelions are Bastards

OK. Let us get this straight. Dandelions are complete bastards. Dandelions are the enemy. Dandelions deserve to be exterminated. If there is one weed, one piece of utterly worthless vermin vegetation it is the bloody Dandelion.

They they were, one morning about two weeks ago. An eye watering mess of little orange head bobbing about in the breeze in MY lawn. But it is not the flower I detest so much as the spawn of the vermin.

Leave the flowers and all they do is the vegetable equivalent of shag each other senseless every moment of every day. Then they cast their spawn to the wind to pollute the veggie patch or other sacred ground.

They had to go.

At my local Garden Centre I explained I wished to commit Dandelion genocide and needed to buy the most virulent and destructive Dandelion toxin available. I was told that the "Smart" option was to buy a "Weed and Feed".

Now, I could have bought straightforward weed killer. But No.  I decided to be "Smart".  - Fatal mistake.

I bought the Weed and Feed. It says on the side that it will give you a "Rich and Verdant Lawn", while consigning the dandelion scum to an ugly and untimely death.

Oh, if only I knew then what I know now.

Pleased with my 20 Kgs of Dandelion Armageddon, I set it to one side ready for later use.

Then I went down the boozer. - Second Fatal mistake.

While at the boozer, and because it was such a beautiful day, I got talked into having a glass or two of "Old Rosie" ( The Cider of champions ) - Third Fatal mistake.

I staggered home eager to give the bastard Dandelions a taste of my displeasure.

Never ever, ever try and dispense "measured" amounts of "Weed and Feed" when you have had a few. Let alone a skin full.

Especially don't try and imitate a twirling Dervish. It is a crap dispensing method and just ensures the stuff lands in concentric circles.

Particularly don't take a phone call half way through. You won't remember (or care) where you got to.

But positively the worst thing to do it to get close up and personal with individual Dandelions and ensure they (and by default, the surrounding grass) get a significantly higher dose than the rest of the lawn.

Two weeks later and truly, some of the lawn is "Rich and Verdant".

In fact some of it is like the Amazonian rain forest. While other patches remain  forlornly yellow.

I had a hell of a job explaining the concentric circles to the wife. I fobbed her off that it was caused by a  particularly rare fungus that form huge fairy rings. But I don't think she was convinced.

As to the Dandelions, they are still there like nothing happened. Scum!

Don't even know when to die when they should.