Abducted by Aliens

Dear poisoned, pilfered and plebian little Englander mates. Tonight Billothewisp has a true life horror story about Alien Abduction.

No, I don't mean getting hijacked by Romanian gangsters on the M1. This is the real McCoy.

Abduction by extra-terrestials. Aliens. Little green men.

But even more shocking is who these off-planet kidnapping bastards decided to hijack.

Oh, my grubby little Englander mates! It was me! Last week Billothewisp was abducted by aliens.

It may be difficult to believe, but on his way back from the boozer, Billothewisp was abducted and whisked off to the planet Tharg in the Crab Nebula.

But there was worse to follow.

While held hostage by these green exploitative swine I was forced to mate with three 7 foot Amazonian cheer leaders. (but for Gods sake don't tell the wife).

Then, just for fun, they used a jack hammer to crack into my skull.

After incredible torment and suffering they finally beamed me back to Earth.

I awoke next day, face down in a field not far from from the boozer. The excruciating pain in my head was absolute proof of the aliens cruel intent.

I can categorically state that this had nothing to do with the six pints of “Old Rosie” (the cider of Champions) imbibed the previous night.

Believe me my dishellived and disowned little Englanders. If it can happen to me it can happen to you.

You believe me, don't you?

Well, of course you do.I expect something similar may well have happened to you too.

Here we are. All victims. And not a no-win no-fee lawyer in sight.

But I will fully back up your story if you need to explain a non-appearance to a loved one or spouse.

Of course it would be good if you could add weight and substance to my tale of woe.

Especially as the wife is now making me sleep in the shed for the rest of the week.

So it would be really great if you could explain to her how these alien abductions are in fact real. Maybe tell her how they are covered up as part of a government conspiracy.

But for Gods sake remember to leave out the bit about the 7 foot Amazons.

No comments: