Billothewisp to sue the Air force

Yes my dingy dirty downbeat little Englander mates.

Billothewisp is suing the Royal Air Force.

Why you may ask.

Well as you know last week on his way back from the pub, Billothewisp was abducted by aliens from the planet Tharg.

There he was brutally mated with three seven foot Amazons.

Believe it or not, Billothewisp became a sexual plaything.

Exploited for the enjoyment of a set of green one eyed bastards who mocked every aspect of his sexuality.

Now I know how those poor abused male porn stars feel. Just to make matters worse I now also have a nasty little rash.

Finally, just for a laugh, those one eyed green monsters look a jack hammer to my head. The headache lasted for days.

The scars will never heal.

I know there are some of you doubting bastards who reckon I simply got hammered on “Old Rosie” (the cider of champions) and then got lost in a field when I needed to go and take a leak on my way home.

Well, all I can say to you lot is if that is the low opinion you hold me in you can all bugger off when I get my 100 grand payout.

Buy your own bleeding “Old Rosie”.

I telling you the aliens were real. And I sticking to it. Morever that is what I've told the wife.

So for good reason Billothewisp is suing the RAF.

I've paid sheds loads of money in tax. At least I should expect Aliens to be intercepted before they get to park up in a Dorset field and abduct the locals.

So where were they?

Combing their bleeding handle-bar moustaches in the officers mess no doubt.

Billions spent on Euro-fighter Typhoon and a bunch of lousy green eyed monsters descend and kidnap a bloke on his way back from the pub.

Call that defence?

I call it neglect.

I going to do a trawl for some no-win no-fee lawyers. From what I have seen there is absolutely no problem with my claim. There have been other claims that positively make my own claim look average.

So although my life has been absolutely ruined by the inactivity of the RAF I am am confident that a little bit of cash may well make life a little easier. The local landlord is so confident he has already booked two weeks in Benidorm on my potential expanded spending on “Old Rosie”

But this still leaves one little item I have got to sort out.

Anyone know how to deal with that rather embarrassing little rash?

Abducted by Aliens

Dear poisoned, pilfered and plebian little Englander mates. Tonight Billothewisp has a true life horror story about Alien Abduction.

No, I don't mean getting hijacked by Romanian gangsters on the M1. This is the real McCoy.

Abduction by extra-terrestials. Aliens. Little green men.

But even more shocking is who these off-planet kidnapping bastards decided to hijack.

Oh, my grubby little Englander mates! It was me! Last week Billothewisp was abducted by aliens.

It may be difficult to believe, but on his way back from the boozer, Billothewisp was abducted and whisked off to the planet Tharg in the Crab Nebula.

But there was worse to follow.

While held hostage by these green exploitative swine I was forced to mate with three 7 foot Amazonian cheer leaders. (but for Gods sake don't tell the wife).

Then, just for fun, they used a jack hammer to crack into my skull.

After incredible torment and suffering they finally beamed me back to Earth.

I awoke next day, face down in a field not far from from the boozer. The excruciating pain in my head was absolute proof of the aliens cruel intent.

I can categorically state that this had nothing to do with the six pints of “Old Rosie” (the cider of Champions) imbibed the previous night.

Believe me my dishellived and disowned little Englanders. If it can happen to me it can happen to you.

You believe me, don't you?

Well, of course you do.I expect something similar may well have happened to you too.

Here we are. All victims. And not a no-win no-fee lawyer in sight.

But I will fully back up your story if you need to explain a non-appearance to a loved one or spouse.

Of course it would be good if you could add weight and substance to my tale of woe.

Especially as the wife is now making me sleep in the shed for the rest of the week.

So it would be really great if you could explain to her how these alien abductions are in fact real. Maybe tell her how they are covered up as part of a government conspiracy.

But for Gods sake remember to leave out the bit about the 7 foot Amazons.